“So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” Matthew 18:14
On December 9, Brad and I received the news that we were pregnant again with Baby #3. I walked around our house all afternoon in stunned silence. Brad jumped up and down with joy. He couldn’t stop smiling. We were startled and delighted as we began planning for our August arrival. At night we cuddled under the covers discussing names we had liked (but didn’t get to use) from the past two pregnancies, and wondered when we should tell our parents. We prayed for our littlest Christmas gift, and planned what we needed to get done before his or her arrival.
On the evening of December 18, I began experiencing some spotting, and by the morning of December 19 I knew I was miscarrying. I had just been reading in What to Expect that our little one was about the size of a blueberry. Now I found myself staring into the blood, and wondering if my little blueberry was in there somewhere. I wondered if I had done something wrong, and chastised myself. My mother had six pregnancies without a single miscarriage. Had I done something to cause this?
On the other hand, I knew that miscarriage is common. I found myself opening What to Expect again, this time turning to the section on miscarriage. Researchers estimate that over 40 percent of conceptions end in miscarriage, and over half of those occur so early that pregnancy is not even suspected yet. 80 percent of miscarriages occur in the first trimester. When I visited the OB/GYN, he assured me that miscarriage is normal and that it was not my fault.
As we processed our loss, Brad and I found ourselves wondering how to grieve. On the morning I miscarried, I cried curled up in Brad’s arms. We called our parents and told them, and I took time to write in my journal while the kids napped. But then I had to keep moving forward…Naomi and Oliver demanded it.
While I am sad, I have been surprised at the depth of gratitude I have felt through this loss. It has been so comforting to hold Oliver and Naomi, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have them. I am even more grateful for the ease of their healthy pregnancies and the speed of their births.
As I look around me, I am reminded that we live in a broken world where loss is, unfortunately, far too common. But I am also reminded how very blessed I am. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18-19). He will comfort those who mourn (Matt. 5:4). I am so grateful to the Lord who has and who will continue to deliver us.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18-19